Neat v. Messy in Relationships

Each of us tends toward neat or messy. And if we’re truly honest with ourselves we know toward which end of the spectrum we reside. There is a cultural bias toward being neat as a superior way of being, but I don’t buy it.

I’m writing this from a relational perspective. By that I mean I believe how we are in our homes and our offices matters to those around us; our coworkers, and more pointedly, our partners with whom we live. They care. A lot.

And as chance would have it we often partner up with someone on the other end of the neat-messy spectrum. Is this a problem? Well, it can be dealt with well and it can be a disaster. 

Here’s the ‘ouch’ scenario: Partner 1 needs order in her physical world. Having things neat and clean at all times, almost regardless of the circumstances, is #1 on her list of most important things. Partner 2 feels like life is to be lived and constantly worrying about the order of things takes away from being present and enjoying life. The OUCH comes when she expects him to do everything to her standards. Or the OUCH comes when he criticizes her for “being OCD.”

One way for a couple to navigate these potentially stormy waters is to put the issue out on the counter and face it head on. This eliminates or minimizes partners acting out their frustrations. I advocate for talking it out to avoid acting it out.

The overall goal of these conversations is to honor the wishes as well as differences between partners. “Hey, if you want X done exactly that way, I get it, you make sense. I’m not confident I will do it that way so let’s figure out if you want to take care of it or if we need to bring somebody in to help.” Or, “I get that this is not a priority for you and I’m working on understanding that because I love you. I see that we’re different and trust we can work this out so we can focus on things important to both of us like our relationship or a shared activity.”

One way of being is not better or worse, it’s how we honor the ‘other’ in our lives that affects how large the difference looms in the relationship.