Wisdom from a 96 year old

Speaking of relationships, (as I constantly do, just ask my husband!) I have a lovely relationship with a 96-year-old man who happens to be my step-father. He’s also a recent widower. 

Since my mother died in December I believe he’s been quite lonely. They were married later in life and were able to enjoy 16 wonderful years together. What a gift. He’s made a lot of changes since she passed as well as continuing something he and my mom had done all their years together. He sends his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren cards marking all birthdays and anniversaries. And he does the same for all of my siblings (seven!) and our children and grandchildren. That’s no easy feat.

Consequently, we are staying in touch. Certainly more than if he wasn’t consistently mailing lovely notes. In our last round of correspondence he wrote a few things I deemed worthy of sharing, and with his permission, here goes:

With all of Bill’s education, (MIT) wisdom, and work experience running a large technology business near Boston for decades (GenRad), here’s what he came up with, to sum up his life, and I quote:

“I thought of two four-word statements - one to express my optimistic view of my own life to date ("So far, so good!") and the other to express the goal for my future life (“Just keep going.”)”

That’s all. How wonderful that Bill is able to see his 96 years so simply...” so far, so good!”  The wisdom I read into his summation is that life doesn’t have to be so complicated. Yes, we all face challenges, and no life is perfect, it shouldn’t be, (how, then would we learn?) but in the long run, a positive attitude like Bill’s goes a long way toward a long life well lived. 

And to quote a portion of the Desiderata that my sister in law Pamela read at my mother’s memorial, “With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”

Comparing My Insides to Your Outsides (and 2017 social media effects)

I am a relationship therapist. What does that mean? It means when I meet with people who are working through how to deal with, improve, and change their relationships. The important ones. Marriages, parent/child, families of origin ('psychobabble' for parents and siblings). 

During our exploration and understanding of their important relationships, social media is ever-present. I'd say 90% of the time in-session people pull out their smartphones to read me text exchanges and/or refer to something they saw or posted on FB or Instagram. 

This is still new territory for all of us. With so many ways to communicate and get glimpses of others' lives, how can we keep our own compasses straight; how can we be sure who we are while being bombarded with the "shiny happy people" versions of everybody on the planet?!

Deep inside we know our truths. We know how and where we hurt. We know our embarrassments, our shame. And we make a silent agreement with ourselves (me, myself, and I) to decide that other people have it all figured out. Whatever "it" means.

How does that net out for us? Each time we compare our insides to everybody's outsides, we lose. They're better looking, (apps help with that: http://stylecaster.com/beauty/best-photo-editing-app/) having more fun, and definitely, don't have my problems. Trust me, everybody has problems. Maybe not yours, but theirs. 

My goal with this post was two-fold: 

1 - Let this serve as one more reminder that we all have public and private lives and our public 'profiles' are a slim representation of our whole, rich, imperfect lives. 

2 - I'd like to make a suggestion. The next time you see someone you care about and trust and they ask, "how's it going?" answer them with something deeper, more real than "great!" I do this often and what do I find? Frequently the other person opens up with something honest and imperfect about their life too and we share a meaningful moment together inside-to-inside. Better than normal grocery store chit chat? I say yes. Try it. 

What About Baby? Wait a Minute, What About Me and What About Us?

In 1989, yes, quite a while ago, I was given possibly the best advice of my adult life. I was a new mom and living in a new city, so I joined a new mom’s group for support and to meet people. I met a terrific friend and got the advice below….

“After you have a baby, everything is a renegotiation.” That’s all. It’s a lot though. 

I was quite young (and not a therapist quite yet) and had no clue how to reconfigure my marriage with the addition of little Alex, and soon enough, Max. 

“Renegotiation” is not sexy, nor does it sound intimate or fun. But learning to express your needs and wants and learning to give and take with a partner with a new addition who, appropriately, demands a tremendous amount of time and energy is of PARAMOUNT importance. And doing so helps offset simmering resentments, which can be anti-intimacy makers.

Some of my favorite clients are young couples adjusting to parenthood. It’s about 50/50, whether they’re first-time parents or new parents to their second or subsequent child. Both scenarios can create stressors that are hard to deal with. Together we work to make sure that the baby’s needs are not the only ones to which the parents are attending. New parents are able to figure out how to negotiate time, sleep, parenting styles, work, etc., and most of us may need a little help doing so. 

Parent coaching with me is not a long-term process but it can help set up the new family with long term strategies that can last throughout a lifetime of marriage and parenting.