What About Baby? Wait a Minute, What About Me and What About Us?

In 1989, yes, quite a while ago, I was given possibly the best advice of my adult life. I was a new mom and living in a new city, so I joined a new mom’s group for support and to meet people. I met a terrific friend and got the advice below….

“After you have a baby, everything is a renegotiation.” That’s all. It’s a lot though. 

I was quite young (and not a therapist quite yet) and had no clue how to reconfigure my marriage with the addition of little Alex, and soon enough, Max. 

“Renegotiation” is not sexy, nor does it sound intimate or fun. But learning to express your needs and wants and learning to give and take with a partner with a new addition who, appropriately, demands a tremendous amount of time and energy is of PARAMOUNT importance. And doing so helps offset simmering resentments, which can be anti-intimacy makers.

Some of my favorite clients are young couples adjusting to parenthood. It’s about 50/50, whether they’re first-time parents or new parents to their second or subsequent child. Both scenarios can create stressors that are hard to deal with. Together we work to make sure that the baby’s needs are not the only ones to which the parents are attending. New parents are able to figure out how to negotiate time, sleep, parenting styles, work, etc., and most of us may need a little help doing so. 

Parent coaching with me is not a long-term process but it can help set up the new family with long term strategies that can last throughout a lifetime of marriage and parenting.

Pokémon Go? Or Pokémon NO!

Like most popular new apps introduced via technology, people are often split in their responses. Is this new game, which is likely being played by over 9.5 million users (good estimate from mid-July) good or bad or neither or both?

We've all read that users ("trainers" in Pokémon terms) may be finding themselves in precarious places while they're mesmerized by the draw of catching these geo-located characters to attain higher levels of achievement in this augmented reality game. 

I'm a 54 year old woman and, no, I don't play the game. Why? Because I'm simply not interested and don't choose to spend my free time using my iphone MORE. I also have a marriage, a family, a therapy practice, and more to nurture. Time, for me is my most precious and fleeting resource. I choose face to face interactions over technology as often as I can.

I do however, have two mid-20s sons and daughter in law who are more likely to play Pokémon Go simply because they're the target demographic. At last count 1/3 of them play. One participates enthusiastically and competitively, while the other two don't play because they don't want to give up that much privacy to 'the Google.' All good, all none of my business.

If I were a parent of younger children it would be my business. I would (and you do, if you have young children) have some decisions to make. First, at what age am I willing to buy my child a smartphone, and what are my reasons? As a family therapist I think about how families make decisions. Do both parents (married or not) contribute to the decision? What are the terms? Some ideas: 

1) Is it understood that the child gets the phone provisionally based on a set of expectations and consequences for non-compliance? Recommended: "As your parents we've decided to give you this phone to use. Because we're the 'owners' of the phone, the password is one we share. We will periodically check your phone so we can insure your cyber-safety because it's our responsibility. If we find a locked phone (password changed!) you will lose the phone for a period of time and we will re-assert our boundaries. This is a policy we will revisit several times as you grow up."

2) What apps are appropriate for your children? You have a say as the parents. Yes, it will be a regular negotiation, but you're in charge, parents!

3) How old is old enough for a child to be playing Pokémon Go? What age is too young? I want to encourage parents to decide this based on each child, your own values, and with SAFETY as our number one priority. The game can be fun, for sure, but it can also be a 'time suck' that takes away from important interpersonal interactions that your kids need as they develop into the independent adults you want them to be.

As is almost always the case, there are no absolutely right or wrong decisions when it comes to whether or not your kids use Pokémon Go. As parents, use your best judgement and pay attention. Yes, the "yes" or "no" can be revisited. But let it be on your terms and with safety as your guide.

Next-Step Parenting support group begins 6/14/16. details below:

Exciting and dynamic parenting group. If you're looking to get ideas on how to navigate the step from 'parenting teens at home' to 'parenting a college student', call today (203) 216-1999. Space limited.

NEXT-STEP PARENTING

Navigating the home/college transition

Please join us for a Support Group

facilitated by local Marriage and Family Therapist

Betsey Lebow www.betseylebow.com

Sample Topics:

• How to deal with the transition

•What’s my new role as a parent of a college student?

•How do we stay connected while giving him or her the space they need to grow?

•Managing worries related to alcohol and other drugs, isolation, sex, mental health issues.

•Could we be open to alternatives to college as a valid choice ?

Where?

9 Burr Road, 1st floor Westport, CT 06880

When?

Eight Tuesdays, starting June 14th, 2016 (June 14, 21, 28, July 5, 12, 19, August 2)

11:00am - 12:30pm $75 per meeting

Feel free to bring your lunch.

Make this your ”extended lunch break” once a week for awhile!

RESERVE YOUR SPOT TODAY limited space

Contact

Betsey Lebow LMFT • betsey@betseylebow.com 203-216-1999

The changing look of work

What does your work look like? Do you work in an office and dress the part or do you work from home and wear what’s most comfortable? What hours do you work? Can you reliably be found in your office or do you conduct your business from wherever you are with your cell and laptop? If you work remotely, where’s your office? Is it your car? The local library? Your home? When are you inspired?

If you’re a parent of young children, how do you integrate caring for your children and your work. Can you work remotely if your child is sick? If you have a partner how do you decide who puts work on hold for the day? Does technology make this easier?

When you’re working do you feel authentic, alive, or is it time to figure out what to do next that will likely be a better fit? Have you been out of the paid workforce for a period of time and ready to get back in but not sure where to start?

I’m asking these questions because I’ve been thinking lately about how wonderful it is that the look and feel of work is changing. Work environments vary more now than ever, in large part, due to technology. While more choices can make it harder to decide what to do, having more choices ultimately offers us the chance to home in on a ‘best fit’ work or career choice. I’d love to hear your thoughts. (Originally posted 12/10/12)