Start something new today.

Happy New Year! What?

This is a great time of year to start something new. Soon we will be back from our summer vacations, and the kids will be back in school. It's my personal January 1st for these reasons and more.

What might this mean for you, practically? Are you ready for a change? Are you prepared for this change? Properly educated, healthy enough? Is your ‘start’ preparing to become pregnant for the first time, or again? Are you going to run a marathon? Get married? Work toward that promotion? Go back to school? Get ready for retirement? Shift your energy toward caring for an elderly relative?

Those changes are all big. What about other, smaller changes? Are you going to start walking for fifteen minutes a day for the first time? Will you start eating one more vegetable at dinner tonight? Can you save $10 more per week toward your future? Stop smoking, even if it's eliminating that one cigarette on Saturday night? Spend a few minutes each day sharing appreciations with your significant other? Yes you can!

How? It's about your intentions. Take some time this week to write down some goals. Think big. Think small. It doesn't matter. Writing it down is what matters. Be brave. Write down your intentions in the present tense as if they're already happening. Here's an example:

Yes: I am in a job that challenges me and I'm well compensated.

No: I will get out of this poor paying dead-end job.

Try it and see how it feels to make your intentions/goals a reality. Big and small.

What are you holding on to? What is it costing you?

The article (link below) was published in the Your Money section of the New York Times 8/22/16, yet it speaks to our personal lives even more than our finances. Think of your time and personal energy as resources as finite as your money. 

I'll make today's post very simple: What are you holding on to that is limiting your ability to fully enjoy your life? What is it costing you? Today, what are you willing to let go? 

Please post your answers below. Let's have some fun with this!

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/23/your-money/the-cost-of-holding-on.html?smprod=nytcore-iphone&smid=nytcore-iphone-share

How do you feel about change?

I used to believe that people fell into one of two camps regarding how they respond to change. I saw it as binary.; either you welcome change with open arms and see the optimistic possibilities, or break out into hives with the first thought of something changing. Now, as I mature beyond mid-middle age (is that a thing?) my opinion is softening. With age comes wisdom, and a few other things...

I see my self as a flexible person, responding to change like Gumby. "It's no big deal, I can figure it out!". And that's truly who I am. BUT. I'm learning that how I respond to change is largely correlated to what kind of change it is and in what stage of life. From 1984 to 1994 my husband and I moved our entires lives ten times. Our children respectively lived in seven and three homes before they entered kindergarten. It was great! Careers were blossoming and the excitement of living somewhere new was thrilling. Now, if you asked me if I was willing to move, I would simply say, "no!" Does that mean I went from being flexible to inflexible over time. I don't think so. 

How we respond (or initially react!) to change is situational. If you want to change jobs, that's something you initiate for a reason and, while it may be stressful, it's largely under your control. If you lose your job, that's an entirely different set of circumstances to which you may respond with anxiety and fear.

How do you feel when faced with the desire for change in your relationships? Or, conversely, what's it like for you when you're faced with a break up, or when your partner comes to you with a complaint or a request for something new? How differently will you react or respond to those different situations? Taking the time and space to explore your 'dance with change' can help you know yourself better and be more adaptive and resilient at work and at home. It will also help you know when to simply say, "no!"

Bad Moms - Review AFTER Seeing the Movie

I sat with my sister in an exceptionally dark movie theater watching Bad Moms and did my best to take notes for this blog post. Indecipherable as they are, here's what I think I wrote:

"Typical presentation of hectic women's work...lazy husband...we work so hard - moms know about kids' lives, dad's don't...Online porn - ok?...Saying "No"...Husband to wife: "Isn't that your job?" (taking care of the kids)...(mom to son) "You're not a slow learner, you're entitled!"...Martha Stewart...Mom's don't quit...being a mom today is impossible...stop judging...make mistakes...the end of the movie interviews with the actor's actual mothers - the best part of the movie"

My original, tongue in cheek review (see July 20, 2016 blog post below) was accurate enough, although in it I forgot that the main point of movies, especially comedic movies, is to entertain. Was it funny...did it entertain? I guess so, but I left feeling disappointed. I was disappointed with the formulaic use of getting drunk to find fun and friendship. I was disappointed with the portrayal as men/fathers as idiots. When movies do that, they perpetuate the paradigm that women still need to do it all. Ridiculous. 

I'm a fan of collaboration between partners as well as collaborations between and amongst women. We can be each others' best supports. I know, I know, I'm too serious! This was a comedy and I should enjoy it and move on. Sometimes I have trouble laughing at topics I hold dear to my heart such as parenting and intimate partnerships. 

I recommend you go see the movie and decide for yourself. Just as long as you don't expect it to be anything but a funny movie about a serious topic!

Pokémon Go? Or Pokémon NO!

Like most popular new apps introduced via technology, people are often split in their responses. Is this new game, which is likely being played by over 9.5 million users (good estimate from mid-July) good or bad or neither or both?

We've all read that users ("trainers" in Pokémon terms) may be finding themselves in precarious places while they're mesmerized by the draw of catching these geo-located characters to attain higher levels of achievement in this augmented reality game. 

I'm a 54 year old woman and, no, I don't play the game. Why? Because I'm simply not interested and don't choose to spend my free time using my iphone MORE. I also have a marriage, a family, a therapy practice, and more to nurture. Time, for me is my most precious and fleeting resource. I choose face to face interactions over technology as often as I can.

I do however, have two mid-20s sons and daughter in law who are more likely to play Pokémon Go simply because they're the target demographic. At last count 1/3 of them play. One participates enthusiastically and competitively, while the other two don't play because they don't want to give up that much privacy to 'the Google.' All good, all none of my business.

If I were a parent of younger children it would be my business. I would (and you do, if you have young children) have some decisions to make. First, at what age am I willing to buy my child a smartphone, and what are my reasons? As a family therapist I think about how families make decisions. Do both parents (married or not) contribute to the decision? What are the terms? Some ideas: 

1) Is it understood that the child gets the phone provisionally based on a set of expectations and consequences for non-compliance? Recommended: "As your parents we've decided to give you this phone to use. Because we're the 'owners' of the phone, the password is one we share. We will periodically check your phone so we can insure your cyber-safety because it's our responsibility. If we find a locked phone (password changed!) you will lose the phone for a period of time and we will re-assert our boundaries. This is a policy we will revisit several times as you grow up."

2) What apps are appropriate for your children? You have a say as the parents. Yes, it will be a regular negotiation, but you're in charge, parents!

3) How old is old enough for a child to be playing Pokémon Go? What age is too young? I want to encourage parents to decide this based on each child, your own values, and with SAFETY as our number one priority. The game can be fun, for sure, but it can also be a 'time suck' that takes away from important interpersonal interactions that your kids need as they develop into the independent adults you want them to be.

As is almost always the case, there are no absolutely right or wrong decisions when it comes to whether or not your kids use Pokémon Go. As parents, use your best judgement and pay attention. Yes, the "yes" or "no" can be revisited. But let it be on your terms and with safety as your guide.

Bad Moms, can't wait to see! Literally.

Unlike celebrities I don't get advance copies of movies, so I'm going to have some fun and talk about a movie we can't even see until next Friday. What data points will I use for this, ahem, review? The title, some good training, and one short movie trailer.

Step 1: Guess the underlying messages the film will be sending (not that they're true) before I watch the trailer. 

1.    Women judge each other. 

2.    Men do too, but in different ways. 

3.    Women's lives are expected to change entirely when they become moms; men's aren't. 

4.    There still exists a subversive war between 'working' and 'non-working' mothers. 

5.    These issues can be presented with humor while still getting fair (even feminist) points across.

Step 2: Watch the first trailer Google offers. Hold on for a sec...2 min 41 seconds later, I've learned a little. To the five opinions above, which I still stand by, I will add:

1.    PTA presidents are always portrayed as nasty. 

2. Today's food restrictions, while some are legitimately of the life-and-death variety, just may be the flavor of the moment, as they often are. 

3.     Add alcohol and the fun begins. Hmmmm...?

I chose this subject today because yesterday while I combined exercise (walking. It counts) with one of my new hobbies, I virtually met one of the stars of Bad Moms. I listened to Howard Stern interview Mila Kunis about the movie and about her life. It was compelling radio, hence the new hobby, and it started me thinking. As a mother and as a therapist I get angry when I think about people passing judgments toward each other about their parenting skills/style/abilities. There is not one way that's right because we all have different histories, life circumstances, goals, and personalities. The results of the damage moms and dads experience from this pursuit of perfection toward an unattainable goal, walk through my doors every day. I'm hoping this movie pays homage to this struggle, and if they can pull it off and be funny at the same time - great!

I'll write a real review after I see the movie. Stay tuned.

Another tragedy. Nice, France July 14, 2016

Another tragedy. Another attack. More lives lost. I can't make any sense of it. None of this violence makes sense. The weapons are airplanes, shoes, explosives, handguns, assault rifles, a tractor trailer. Who is the enemy? Where do they live? Why are we enemies? Why so much hate? What can we do as a community, as a country to affect change, What can I do? Today I have only questions. 

I'm writing because it's the only concrete thing I know to do today to feel better. I'm not sure I want to feel better though. The family in Austin who lost their dad/husband/sibling/uncle and 11 year old son/brother/cousin/grandson won't feel better - for a long, long time. And there are all the others we'll never know. The others whose lives were cut short simply because they were in the path of a lunatic set on a course of bloody, deadly destruction.

I have no answers for how to cope with the unpredictable ground upon which we all stand. It's unsteady, I'm unsteady.

I'm also a mother, a wife, a friend, a family member, and a therapist. And with the rest of you I need to keep going. What I know as a therapist is that we heal in relationship. As we move along in our lives we need loved ones. We need to lean on them and they need us. So let's not isolate in our grief. Reach out. Hug your family. Let's spread as much love as we can to combat the hate. 

Camp style v.2

My husband went to sleep away camp for six years; eight weeks per summer and I went for a grand total of, let's see, around 168 hours.

As many of us do, I found a spouse who grew up differently than I. One way our upbringings were glaringly different was how we spent our summers. He grew up with one sister and I had three brothers AND three sisters. Jewish, Christian. Camp, and, "go outside and play and come home when the streetlights come on." These differences are neither good nor bad. Since we met in 1983 (well, maybe there was some initial flirting in 1982, but that's for another article) we've navigated many waters, rising two sons and making a life for ourselves. 

One way our family differences showed up in spades, however, was in how we approached camp visiting day when our boys had their summer stints in MA and ME. I'm sharing this today because it occurs to me that we may not be the only parents whose differing upbringings influenced those precious hours we had with our kids. How? My husband had experienced visiting day many times and it was totally foreign to me. This was nothing new for him and I felt like a clueless outsider. 

Maybe, if you read my last post, you noticed I had an ‘attitude’ about bringing gifts to children on visiting day. Why? I’m not positive, but my best guess is that gift giving was not a big focus in my family growing up. My husband’s attitude was more closely aligned with the culture of many sleep away camps: showering campers with food, candy, and gifts on visiting day is normal and fun. We figured out a way to honor both our perspectives and the camp policy, and the kids were thrilled!

My bottom line on the topic of how to approach camp as well as camp visiting days is the same as I recommend to my newly-wed son and his beautiful wife. Couples create their own WE; their normal, their family. Will my kid's kids go to sleep away camp at all? For a week? For full summers for their entire childhoods? It will be their parent's decision and they'll figure it out based on their experiences, their partner's (or co-parent's) life experience and, yes, their child's personality and preferences. It's one of many decisions that will shape the lives of their littles. 

Summer Camp and visiting day. Thoughts on how to prepare.

Are your children at sleep away camp? As a marriage and family therapist I do my best to think about the upcoming visiting days from a 365 degree perspective. Here’s my view of the good, the bad, the ugly, and the possibilities. Consider:

1. It’s okay to miss your kids. It’s also okay to not miss them, oh so terribly. Having fun without them is OK! They’re having fun without you.
2. Having fewer distractions while the kids are gone may increase your enjoyment of your partner or increase conflict. If it’s the latter, there’s no need to panic. Consider planning some time to open up needed conversations while the kids are gone. Conflict can lead to growth if you take it slow and have these conversations when you’re both calm, fed, and not distracted.
3. If you’re a single parent, maybe you explore other relationships and friendships more freely. Maybe you don’t! There’s nothing wrong with catching up on your pleasure or work reading while curling up on the couch with a calming cup of tea or glass of wine. Or golfing.
4. I highly recommend managing expectations before visiting day. Preparing for a fun and happy reunion is as good an idea as preparing for how you’ll cope if your child is sad, or complaining about camp peers, or asks for you to bring him or her home with you when you leave. If you do or don’t have a partner, be clear (and united) on how you will respond to tears or complaints. My best advice is to listen and let your child know you hear them. Let there be some “vent time” if necessary, then boundary that conversation (use your instincts as to how long) and move on to planned activities. When your child feels heard, s/he will likely be able to make the transition.
5. If there are siblings home with you, know they’re part of this equation too. On the ride to camp ask your smaller one open-ended questions about what’s it’s been like without their older sibling/s and hear what they’re saying without judgement. “Oh, so you don’t miss Alex.” A fair follow up might be, “has it been nice for you to have dad and me all to yourself?” 
6. Hello and goodbye. It happens so quickly. I remember my older son fully participating in visiting day and then suddenly crying as his younger brother, dad and I were about to leave. Back then I was surprised when he cried, but looking back I can see he experienced a variety of feelings from happy to sad and many in between. It's not one or the other; good or bad. He liked camp, but saying goodbye to his family was hard. 
7. Gifts/food/candy. Most camps have a policy. Whatever it is, follow it! If you don’t and others do, then not only others may feel awkward, but your own child may feel weird having gifts, etc. when others don’t.
8. Notice how your child has grown - in his or her own way. Maybe the biggest deal for YOUR child was that she got on that bus a few weeks ago. Maybe it’s that he learned a new swim stroke. Maybe this year she loves her bunk mates after not having that positive an experience last year. Their camp experiences will unfold in predictable ways and ways you may never imagine. Enjoy the ride.

Today is International Kissing Day

Who knew? I've never heard of it before. OK, let's make some meaning out of it. Kissing is an expression of caring, intimacy, friendship, love, hello, goodbye, and more. How we kiss is a way to differentiate one relationship from another. Personally, I only kiss one person on the lips, and that's my husband. I've had several conversations with people about who they kiss on the lips and I've heard a variety of opinions...all which I respect, not all to which I choose to subscribe. What's your kissing style?

What about the air kiss? Does it simply save on the lipstick re-apply, or does it imply a more casual (or formal?) connection? Even though most of you reading this are American through and through, do you do what I have un-officially named (simply for the purpose of this post!) the "Double European Kiss?" If that's your style, when did you adopt it and what prompted you? 

Can we even make meaning of International Kissing Day, or is it's existence simply a reminder to show more affection today to those we care about the most?  I love the idea that at any time we can stop and remember to gently express ourselves to our loved ones. Go ahead, try it today! When you get home, or when your loved one arrives later today, or when you see your friend for a walk or a bite to eat, give them a kiss. See how it feels, and remember, International Hug Day is right around the corner (not really)...January 21, 2017!

Kissing can also be good for your health:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/adventures-in-dating/201403/the-surprising-benefits-kissing

Next-Step Parenting support group begins 6/14/16. details below:

Exciting and dynamic parenting group. If you're looking to get ideas on how to navigate the step from 'parenting teens at home' to 'parenting a college student', call today (203) 216-1999. Space limited.

NEXT-STEP PARENTING

Navigating the home/college transition

Please join us for a Support Group

facilitated by local Marriage and Family Therapist

Betsey Lebow www.betseylebow.com

Sample Topics:

• How to deal with the transition

•What’s my new role as a parent of a college student?

•How do we stay connected while giving him or her the space they need to grow?

•Managing worries related to alcohol and other drugs, isolation, sex, mental health issues.

•Could we be open to alternatives to college as a valid choice ?

Where?

9 Burr Road, 1st floor Westport, CT 06880

When?

Eight Tuesdays, starting June 14th, 2016 (June 14, 21, 28, July 5, 12, 19, August 2)

11:00am - 12:30pm $75 per meeting

Feel free to bring your lunch.

Make this your ”extended lunch break” once a week for awhile!

RESERVE YOUR SPOT TODAY limited space

Contact

Betsey Lebow LMFT • betsey@betseylebow.com 203-216-1999

Perfect: the "P- word"

"What's the perfect thing to say when a friend loses a loved one?"

"Why isn't my family perfect like theirs?"

"S/he has the perfect body."

These are things people think and talk about frequently. The "P-word" gets thrown around in my office on a regular basis. When you think about it, it's tortuous to constantly be striving for perfection. We've all heard, "nothing's perfect" but many of us still expend a lot of energy working toward the elusive goal of perfection. Why? I think it's because we make assumptions about what we see and hear. When you walk down the halls or streets and see the shiny happy people, (thanks R.E.M.) do you assume that everything's perfect in their lives because it looks that way? Urban Dictionary's interpretation of "Shiny Happy People" lyrics:

"The term is based on a Chinese propaganda poster popularized by REM in the song of the same name. It's a term that determines that people are faking happiness or false happiness in order to fool the outside world that there are no problems. Shiny Happy People are effectively massive fakes. Look at that picture they just put up on Facebook they are all shiny happy people."

Bottom line: find your SELF, BE yourself and spend less time on social media feeling bad because your actual life is less perfect than their curated, virtual lives. Go outside, move your body, call a friend. Breathe.

Oh, and a good (not perfect) thing to say when someone loses a loved one is "I'm sorry for your loss" or "I don't know what to say." It's authentic. Be authentic. Be kind to yourself and others.

Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. -Ian Maclaren or Plato or Philo of Alexandria

Growth through trying something new

Four years ago I hired a professional to build me a website. I think she did a great job. It was pricey and took a long time, but that's what I expected four years ago. Two weeks ago my 20-something children informed me that I needed to re-do my site on SquareSpace because it's easy to make and easy to edit. Terrific! That's what I want. Easy and easy. What I 'needed' first was for one of them to step up and build it for me. "No." Really? They have their own lives and possess no interest in building a website for their 50-something mother - here's the good part - if she can do it herself. Could I? Well, after some learning and struggling and mistakes and creativity and fun, I did! I guess it worked because you're on the new site and reading this blog that I wrote and published SO EASILY. Thanks boys! Thanks for pushing me to grow. It hurt a little, but not too much. 

The changing look of work

What does your work look like? Do you work in an office and dress the part or do you work from home and wear what’s most comfortable? What hours do you work? Can you reliably be found in your office or do you conduct your business from wherever you are with your cell and laptop? If you work remotely, where’s your office? Is it your car? The local library? Your home? When are you inspired?

If you’re a parent of young children, how do you integrate caring for your children and your work. Can you work remotely if your child is sick? If you have a partner how do you decide who puts work on hold for the day? Does technology make this easier?

When you’re working do you feel authentic, alive, or is it time to figure out what to do next that will likely be a better fit? Have you been out of the paid workforce for a period of time and ready to get back in but not sure where to start?

I’m asking these questions because I’ve been thinking lately about how wonderful it is that the look and feel of work is changing. Work environments vary more now than ever, in large part, due to technology. While more choices can make it harder to decide what to do, having more choices ultimately offers us the chance to home in on a ‘best fit’ work or career choice. I’d love to hear your thoughts. (Originally posted 12/10/12)

Everything's relative

If you’re outside when a thunderstorm starts, what do you do? Run inside? Enjoy the moment? What might your family members do?

Last summer a thunderstorm interrupted my run. I was just far enough away from home to be concerned about the possibility of getting hit by lightning if I continued, so I called home for backup. As I waited for my son’s car I bumped into Bob. Bob appeared unaffected by the storm and was meandering to his home with a relaxed smile on his face. He told me there was no chance of a lightning hit and suggested I continue walking home and enjoy the experience.

What had just happened? Had I reacted in a hysterical way or was I simply hysterical compared to Bob? Compared to a different person’s response mine may have appeared measured and patient. Compared to Bob, I was reactive. I wonder if I had encountered someone in a panic if I would have appeared calm – simply by comparison. Everything’s relative.

Next time you find yourself in a situation that invites the possibility of polar responses, try the opposite of what you might normally do and watch what happens. Do it with a relative and see how fast your loved one notices the change. You will be opening up space for you and those around you to start different interactional patterns. Change can be good. (Originally posted 12/11/12)

On being 'busy'

It was over 15 years ago when I first remember being introduced to the concept that nobody cares if I’m busy; if you’re busy. This stuck with me and I made a vow to avoid saying “I’m busy.”

Why? Let’s break it down. I didn’t want to send an unintended message when using the word. How do people interpret what you mean when you say you’re busy?

“I feel important”
“My time is valuable”
”My free time is valuable”
”I have no free time”
”I manage my time well”
”I like being busy”
”I can’t seem to find time for myself”
”You’re lucky that I made time for you”
”I value our time together”
”I’m filling my time with important things that I value”
”I’m worried about not having enough to do”
“Busy” to me means that I’m living a full life”
”When I say I’m busy I’m complaining”
”When I say I’m busy I’m satisfied”

How do you talk at work and at home about being busy? Could others misinterpret your meaning? How do you make yourself clear?

What’s it like to NOT be busy? (Originally posted 12/12/12)

Tragedy in our backyard

We all are living with heavy hearts today in the wake of yesterday’s unthinkable tragedy in Newtown, CT. Families, friends, community members are all trying to make sense of the senseless. Let our feeling that we’re all part of one community enable us to hold each other a little tighter as we begin the healing process. It will take time and each of us will heal in our own way. (originally posted 12/15/12)

What's your summer style?

What’s your summer style? You may look forward to summer as a time to take early morning walks, read in the shade, or try a new sport. Or is it your style to clean out closets and catch up on friendships and family visits? Maybe your work amps up in the summer and managing your time and the kids’ activities is a messy challenge. If you have kids maybe they go away to camp and you have more time on your hands than you bargained for and find yourself wondering what to do with all of it. There’s no one size fits all experience and certainly no right way to approach things as the cadence of your daily life shifts.

I’ve found that both ends of the too-little or too-much time spectrum can be stressful. When there’s too much to do and down time is a distant memory, tempers can flare and relationships can suffer. The summer can come and go and instead of collecting joyous memories and seashells you may be collecting apologies and regrets. On the other end, not knowing what to do with yourself can lead you into negative thoughts about yourself and your choices, and those voices can be hard to quiet. When you’re feeling these frustrations it’s easy to snap at those closest to you.

What are some choices you have at your disposal? How can you make sense of your personal summer challenges? Regardless of your specific circumstances you can choose to do something different. That ‘something’ can be as seemingly little as a ten minute walk outside your office at a most stressful time instead of powering through the task at hand. Maybe your walking and breathing will help you think differently and problem solve better. Clarity. If your thoughts are swirling about and talking with confidants isn’t enough anymore, maybe it’s time to call a therapist to help you through. Our job is to help you see things differently and guide you to solutions that are likely just below the surface.

So whether you’re elbow deep in soil, knee deep in the Long Island Sound, or your inbox is overflowing this summer, consider giving me a call to re-imagine and re-work the parts of your life that aren’t working. My office hours are work and family friendly. (originally posted 6/5/13)

Before you start couples therapy

Here’s a great list of questions you should ask before you hire a couples therapist. I highly recommend being a careful and selective consumer. I welcome these questions. Feel free to give me a call. I think you’ll be pleased with my answers.

“Can you describe your background and training in marital therapy?”
“What is your attitude toward salvaging a troubled marriage versus helping couples break up?”
“What is your approach when one partner is seriously considering ending the marriage and the other wants to save it?”
“What percentage of your practice is marital therapy?”
“Of the couples you treat, what percentage would you say work out enough of their problems to stay married with a reasonable amount of satisfaction with the relationship.” “What percentage break up while they are seeing you?” “What percentage do not improve?” “What do you think makes the differences in these results?”

Source: 1999 address to the Coalition of Marriage, Family and Couples Education conference in Washington, D.C., University of Minnesota Professor William Doherty. (Originally posted 8/8/14)

Finding compassion around Robin Williams' death

It’s three days after Robin Williams’ death. People are talking, blogging, posting, crying. I guess that’s what I’m doing here. Everybody processes their feelings differently. What’s bothering me are a couple of comments I’ve heard. There are people out there calling his suicide “selfish, how could he do this to his family?” as well as loudly asserting, “I wouldn’t be depressed if I had HIS life!”

To those people I ask to please find some compassion. Nobody knows what it was like to walk in any one else’s shoes. Please educate yourself about mental illness and addiction. You’re likely related to or live near or work with someone who is suffering. He or she may be suffering silently for fear of judgement; the kind of judgement that you are putting out there. (Originally posted 8/14/14)

One of my favorites: Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. Philo

Another favorite – Robin Williams at his best at work: